The Art of Friendship
I have taken a year off from this blog in order to focus on some aspects of my life that needed some attention, both on a spiritual level and mundane as well. My work as a psychic and life coach has given me valuable insights into how relationships can go wrong and also what characteristics define a good relationship. People call me out of concern over a romantic relationship they are struggling with, but seldom, if ever, do I get calls about friendships. For many, friendships are not something that people really think about working on. I am surprised how little people know about how to go about being a good friend. Although friendships are not required to last a lifetime, they are another important part of how we relate and share our lives with others. As such, they could use a little tending to.
I feel that people seldom take the time to reflect on how good a friend they are to another person, but rather tend to focus on what they themselves are getting from a friendship. It appears as if some people treat friendship as a networking opportunity instead of what could be a satisfying and supporting friendship. While romantic relationships take up the majority of a person's relationship focus, there is still a lot to be said for the bonds of friendship that can deliver a different type of satisfaction and happiness than that of a romantic relationship. What holds true for any type of relationship is that there has to be a sense of balance and equality . Balance meaning spending enough time with a person (whether it be in physical contact or other) in order to maintain the relationship, and equality which is sharing a sense of give and take so that each person feels they are having their desires met and are valued. Equality is as simple as going to the movies with your friend because they are cinema hounds, and in turn them going out to lunch with you because you like to eat out.
Everyone has many activities and obligations they attend to in their daily lives, so friendships and relationships can become quite a juggling act. It is not possible to be all things to all people and still maintain your own sense of well being. Therefore, it is a good idea to narrow down the number of relationships you are trying to maintain or establish. While you may have many acquaintances in your life, you will find that you have far fewer people you can call friend.
People can sometimes give us signals that they are not interested in being a friend. Not being able to commit to doing things together is a loud and clear message that they are not interested in the friendship. Recently, I have attempted to ask a person or two to get together on various occasion for different things. Having been turned down 9 times out of ten either by omission of never getting back to me, or an outright refusal, I finally got the message that my friendship was of no value to them. Knowing that I am a good friend, I was hurt by this rejection, especially since there was no outright reason for not continuing to be friends. I have willingly dropped friendships in the past because they were no longer something that was satisfying in my life because I was not getting anywhere close to equal participation in keeping the friendship alive. There are too any other people who would value having a friendship, to waste energy on people who don't. It is possible that people inadvertently send out the wrong signals to friends because they may not be aware of some of the parameters of a good friendship. Here are some things to think about if you would like to become a better friend. You may realize, after reading this article that you already are that great friend and are in the company of other great friends. When you become a better friend, you in turn receive some wonderful people to enhance your life journey. That has certainly been the case for me. As a bonus, going over this checklist might also help you become a better romantic partner as well.
How To Be A Good Friend
Stay in communication! In today's world this is an incredibly easy task, between e-mails, FaceBook, texts and phones, friends can be in good communication without actually having to be physically together all of the time. I have had a lifelong friendship with my childhood best friend. We have remained close even though we live a few thousand miles apart and don't get to see each other very often. When I do see her, it's like we were never apart and the laughing begins again. If you have an issue with something your friend did or said that may have angered you, then communicate that with them in a non blaming way. Avoiding someone does not solve any problems. Lack of honesty is a sure way to destroy a friendship, while honesty can help you to think about yourself and how you may come off to other people. Just the other day, a friend of mine made an interesting observation about me that made me think. I am still pondering her observation as something to to seriously think about. A while back, I have another good friend who wrote me an e-mail asking what had happened with me and expressing an interest in picking things up again. We were both able to be honest about things going on in our lives and got back to being in touch and hanging out without any fuss. I had dropped the ball on the friendship, not because of her, but because of what was going on with me. I think it helped to reveal this to her. The lack of communication by me could have lost me a good friendship, had it not been for her superior communication skills. I have been able to learn a great deal from her about honest communication for which I am very grateful. This is not to say that I, in turn have not made many observations of my own to my friends. Far from it. My lesson has been to say less.
See your friends! Make a plan to get together in person and share some time doing something fun. Try to plan something with them once a week, or every other week. At the very least, once a month. However much you end up seeing each other (or not), at least you both know you tried. Make a commitment, don't give the impression that you are waiting to see if something better comes up by constantly leaving things up in the air. If you make a commitment, then stick to it if at all possible. Weather conditions, sick kids, illness etc are always things that can break the best of plans, but friends understand this.
Support your friends! If your friend is starting a new job, new business, new family, getting married or has had recognition for something they have accomplished, share in their joy! Acknowledge their birthdays or other important occasions for them in some way that shows they are a meaningful part of your life. It doesn't matter if you are a person who doesn't much care about birthday celebrations. It's not about your preferences, it's about your friend's preferences.
Compliment, Don't Compete! I have many talented friends engaged in many different areas of interest. Some of my friends may be better, crafters, organizers, game players, athletes, cooks or bakers than I may be, or perhaps I am the one with greater expertise. It matters not. Letting your friends know that what they have accomplished or are doing now, is pretty wonderful, makes them feel good, and in turn, you feel good as well. Realizing that other people's accomplishments or talents are no reflection on any of your perceived short comings, goes a long way towards increasing your own self esteem. If you feel you must be in competition with a friend, then you are not truly a friend
Focus on Commonality! Too often we tend to focus on what we don't have in common and use that as means to separate people. Instead of discriminating against our friends because of age, kids, travel distance to their house, life style choices (oh they have a dog/cat, they shop at store x, they use cheap craft materials, they use paper towels, they eat fast food, they drive cars you don't like, and other things that are inconsequential), look instead to what draws you together, perhaps it's great conversation, gaming, crafting, entertainment. Commonality brings with it a sense of belonging and community.
Be Inclusive, Not Exclusive! The more the merrier! I learned this lesson a long time ago from my grandmother who was a kind and giving person. While some "one on one" time is desired in friendships, most of friend time could be nicely spent in groups. If your friends know each other, and even if they don't, if they would enjoy what you might be planning to do, include them. Let them decide to decline rather than risking hurting their feelings. This is part of what is called being mindful. If someone is your friend, why would you not want to include them? Granted, there are few of us who have the time, space or desire to host a sit down dinner party for all of our friends at once except perhaps for holidays. Being friends does not mean that we all have the same exact passions so for example, I would not invite people to my house for a night of gaming, who do not like to play games. While space constraints may keep us from inviting everyone to our homes, we can arrange to meet a group of people somewhere in public where everyone can gather together. Don't let the things that you don't have in common, keep you from inviting a friend. For example, my house is a kid free, dog free zone. I can let my friends who might fit in that category, know that, but still extend a heartfelt invitation, thus giving them a chance to decide, rather than not include them at all. As adults we really no longer have A best friend, but rather, several best friends, each offering something super special and unique to us. Trying to have your own clique of the cool people to hang with, reflects a persona that has not yet developed past the junior high school years both emotionally and spiritually. Seek to bring your mutual friends together for activities. When we choose inclusiveness, we choose kindness.
I feel that people seldom take the time to reflect on how good a friend they are to another person, but rather tend to focus on what they themselves are getting from a friendship. It appears as if some people treat friendship as a networking opportunity instead of what could be a satisfying and supporting friendship. While romantic relationships take up the majority of a person's relationship focus, there is still a lot to be said for the bonds of friendship that can deliver a different type of satisfaction and happiness than that of a romantic relationship. What holds true for any type of relationship is that there has to be a sense of balance and equality . Balance meaning spending enough time with a person (whether it be in physical contact or other) in order to maintain the relationship, and equality which is sharing a sense of give and take so that each person feels they are having their desires met and are valued. Equality is as simple as going to the movies with your friend because they are cinema hounds, and in turn them going out to lunch with you because you like to eat out.
Everyone has many activities and obligations they attend to in their daily lives, so friendships and relationships can become quite a juggling act. It is not possible to be all things to all people and still maintain your own sense of well being. Therefore, it is a good idea to narrow down the number of relationships you are trying to maintain or establish. While you may have many acquaintances in your life, you will find that you have far fewer people you can call friend.
People can sometimes give us signals that they are not interested in being a friend. Not being able to commit to doing things together is a loud and clear message that they are not interested in the friendship. Recently, I have attempted to ask a person or two to get together on various occasion for different things. Having been turned down 9 times out of ten either by omission of never getting back to me, or an outright refusal, I finally got the message that my friendship was of no value to them. Knowing that I am a good friend, I was hurt by this rejection, especially since there was no outright reason for not continuing to be friends. I have willingly dropped friendships in the past because they were no longer something that was satisfying in my life because I was not getting anywhere close to equal participation in keeping the friendship alive. There are too any other people who would value having a friendship, to waste energy on people who don't. It is possible that people inadvertently send out the wrong signals to friends because they may not be aware of some of the parameters of a good friendship. Here are some things to think about if you would like to become a better friend. You may realize, after reading this article that you already are that great friend and are in the company of other great friends. When you become a better friend, you in turn receive some wonderful people to enhance your life journey. That has certainly been the case for me. As a bonus, going over this checklist might also help you become a better romantic partner as well.
How To Be A Good Friend
Stay in communication! In today's world this is an incredibly easy task, between e-mails, FaceBook, texts and phones, friends can be in good communication without actually having to be physically together all of the time. I have had a lifelong friendship with my childhood best friend. We have remained close even though we live a few thousand miles apart and don't get to see each other very often. When I do see her, it's like we were never apart and the laughing begins again. If you have an issue with something your friend did or said that may have angered you, then communicate that with them in a non blaming way. Avoiding someone does not solve any problems. Lack of honesty is a sure way to destroy a friendship, while honesty can help you to think about yourself and how you may come off to other people. Just the other day, a friend of mine made an interesting observation about me that made me think. I am still pondering her observation as something to to seriously think about. A while back, I have another good friend who wrote me an e-mail asking what had happened with me and expressing an interest in picking things up again. We were both able to be honest about things going on in our lives and got back to being in touch and hanging out without any fuss. I had dropped the ball on the friendship, not because of her, but because of what was going on with me. I think it helped to reveal this to her. The lack of communication by me could have lost me a good friendship, had it not been for her superior communication skills. I have been able to learn a great deal from her about honest communication for which I am very grateful. This is not to say that I, in turn have not made many observations of my own to my friends. Far from it. My lesson has been to say less.
See your friends! Make a plan to get together in person and share some time doing something fun. Try to plan something with them once a week, or every other week. At the very least, once a month. However much you end up seeing each other (or not), at least you both know you tried. Make a commitment, don't give the impression that you are waiting to see if something better comes up by constantly leaving things up in the air. If you make a commitment, then stick to it if at all possible. Weather conditions, sick kids, illness etc are always things that can break the best of plans, but friends understand this.
Support your friends! If your friend is starting a new job, new business, new family, getting married or has had recognition for something they have accomplished, share in their joy! Acknowledge their birthdays or other important occasions for them in some way that shows they are a meaningful part of your life. It doesn't matter if you are a person who doesn't much care about birthday celebrations. It's not about your preferences, it's about your friend's preferences.
Compliment, Don't Compete! I have many talented friends engaged in many different areas of interest. Some of my friends may be better, crafters, organizers, game players, athletes, cooks or bakers than I may be, or perhaps I am the one with greater expertise. It matters not. Letting your friends know that what they have accomplished or are doing now, is pretty wonderful, makes them feel good, and in turn, you feel good as well. Realizing that other people's accomplishments or talents are no reflection on any of your perceived short comings, goes a long way towards increasing your own self esteem. If you feel you must be in competition with a friend, then you are not truly a friend
Focus on Commonality! Too often we tend to focus on what we don't have in common and use that as means to separate people. Instead of discriminating against our friends because of age, kids, travel distance to their house, life style choices (oh they have a dog/cat, they shop at store x, they use cheap craft materials, they use paper towels, they eat fast food, they drive cars you don't like, and other things that are inconsequential), look instead to what draws you together, perhaps it's great conversation, gaming, crafting, entertainment. Commonality brings with it a sense of belonging and community.
Be Inclusive, Not Exclusive! The more the merrier! I learned this lesson a long time ago from my grandmother who was a kind and giving person. While some "one on one" time is desired in friendships, most of friend time could be nicely spent in groups. If your friends know each other, and even if they don't, if they would enjoy what you might be planning to do, include them. Let them decide to decline rather than risking hurting their feelings. This is part of what is called being mindful. If someone is your friend, why would you not want to include them? Granted, there are few of us who have the time, space or desire to host a sit down dinner party for all of our friends at once except perhaps for holidays. Being friends does not mean that we all have the same exact passions so for example, I would not invite people to my house for a night of gaming, who do not like to play games. While space constraints may keep us from inviting everyone to our homes, we can arrange to meet a group of people somewhere in public where everyone can gather together. Don't let the things that you don't have in common, keep you from inviting a friend. For example, my house is a kid free, dog free zone. I can let my friends who might fit in that category, know that, but still extend a heartfelt invitation, thus giving them a chance to decide, rather than not include them at all. As adults we really no longer have A best friend, but rather, several best friends, each offering something super special and unique to us. Trying to have your own clique of the cool people to hang with, reflects a persona that has not yet developed past the junior high school years both emotionally and spiritually. Seek to bring your mutual friends together for activities. When we choose inclusiveness, we choose kindness.
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