Beware of The Fortress of Solitude

Superman used to go to what was called his fortress of solitude when he needed to figure things out. It was a place where he could have a time out from the world around him and think about some solutions to various problems facing him. In relationships there are times when people need a time out. It could be to think about the relationship or it could be something entirely different. The important thing is that if a person needs a time out it should be respected. I would go so far as to say that no explanation is required as to why it's needed. The other person would need to trust and respect the decision. The most important component of this and how it relates to effective communication in a relationship of any kind, is for the actual words to be spoken. Those four simple words "I need time out." Simple, yet says it all and forestalls any possible miscommunication of intent and therefore will save a lot of grief and anxiety on all sides. Without the actual words spoken things can get a bit complicated on all sides. Contrary to the popular quote "actions speak louder than words" actions can be confusing and sometimes unwittingly hurtful. That is of course unless you already have a system in place with each other such as the posting of the three flags. Seeing the red flag tells the other to not even attempt to communicate with the person, the yellow flag says approach but with EXTREME caution and of course the green flag is a thumbs up. Said "flags" can be posted outside your door, on your myspace under moods or however you and your partner agree to get the message across. The actual speaking the words "I need space" with the understanding that when I am done needing my space I will contact you, should be enough. In the meantime, it is a given that when the words are spoken to the other, the other person involved knows that "space" means not just no phone calls, but no texts, e-mails, letters, visits etc (unless there is death involved). Unfortunately many people expect their partners to be able to "read" the situation, to take the hint etc. The only way to effective communication is to actually talk to the person and say what is on your mind. If you don't, it leads to a great deal of upheaval in a relationship where there didn't have to be any. The person who needs the time out resents the other one for continuing to bug them while the other person senses something is not right and attempts to reach out thus making things worse but not knowing they were. If the person knew the harm they were causing to the relationship, an apology backed up by the non action desired by the other would patch things up. The person needing the space should understand that the other didn't mean to persist, they just didn't get the implied message and needed to hear the words. So, if you are caught up in something like this please communicate effectively and be sure and not hesitate to apologize for your part in it and that means both of you. In a good relationship it's not about blame it's about taking your share. No one has to "win" you both just have to understand and to forgive, after all there are times when everyone needs their fortress of solitude....